All That Mattered
by Elphie Marky
Summary: When Roger receives a mysterious letter in the mail, will it change his life for the better or for the worse? MarkRoger. Written for speedrent. Challenge explained inside.


**Notes:** This was for speedrent. The challenge was to allow a character to go back in time and change **one** thing from their past and how it changed the future.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rent.

* * *

**July 13, 1990**

"Hey," Roger greeted softly as he left his empty room. Mimi wasn't there and Roger wasn't really sure where she was. He smiled at his roommate who was sitting on an old wooden chair at their metal table drinking coffee.

"You got a letter in the mail," Mark said.

"The mail is here already?" Roger asked.

"Seeing as it is now," Mark looked down at his old Mickey Mouse watch, "one thirty and the mail usually comes around twelve…"

"Oh shut up," Roger laughed. "Where is it?"

"On the table over there."

Roger walked over towards the brown end table and picked up a white envelope addressed to him. He carefully opened it and pulled out the paper inside. He read the letter twice, making sure he wasn't imagining its text.

_Do you remember what happened in 1985?_

Roger thought back. In January, Mark and Roger had moved into the loft. A few months later, Mark's college roommate, Benny, joined them. A friend of Roger's dad's son, Collins, moved in a few weeks later. In April, Roger met the first love of his life, ironically named April. In August, Mark met Maureen, who later moved in with them too. Roger didn't remember when, but 1985 was the year The Well Hungarians broke up and Roger started a bad habit. When April found out, she revealed her secret life to Roger. Apparently, when she was "visiting her mom", she was actually shooting up with her old high school friends. Roger wasn't even mad that she had been lying to him. It brought them closer together because they now would shoot up together and got lost in their own little world of bliss.

_Do you remember what happened in 1987?_

Roger remembered 1987 to be one of the worst years of his life. On the same day that April walked into Roger's life, she left it. April 12, 1987 was the day he came home high to find Mark scrubbing the bathroom floor and sobbing. On April 28, 1987, Roger learned that he was HIV positive. For the next few months, he disappeared. He spent weeks on the street, doing anything for a hit. In August, Mark found him shaking and two inches from death in Central Park. Mark suffered a lot of broken bones and bruises in the next few months, but he did whatever he needed to keep Roger alive, even though keeping Roger alive meant holding him when he shook and rubbing his back when Roger threw up things that weren't there to be thrown up.

_Do you remember what happened in 1988?_

Roger remembered this very clearly. He didn't remember much from this year, except hurting Mark and screaming for a hit. He vaguely recalled Maureen being around less and less and overhearing a conversation between Mark and Benny about seeing her kissing another man. He knew she was cheating and he knew Mark did nothing about it.

There was one memory from 1988 that Roger remembered like it was yesterday. It was mid-July and he was doing better. He wasn't shaking as much, but Mark still slept in his room just in case. Mark was always there, even though Roger was ungrateful and regretful.

"_How are you feeling?"_

"_Good." It wasn't a lie. Roger really did feel good._

_Mark smiled, toothy and childlike. Mark hadn't smiled in a long time. He didn't have much to smile about, but Roger's improvement deserved a grin. "That's good." Mark's arms were around Roger as they laid there. Roger had been shaking all night, and it seemed that only Mark's arms could stop the tremors._

_Roger found Mark's embrace comforting. Mark was always warm. Mark was always there._

"_I love you."_

"_What?" Roger rolled around the face his roommate._

"_I love you." All of a sudden, Mark wasn't smiling anymore. His grin was replaced with a look of fear. He could feel Roger start shaking again._

"_Get away." Roger began pushing him away aggressively. "You don't mean it." April said she loved him too. But she didn't mean it. Mark didn't mean it either._

_Mark moved over, tears brimming in his eyes. "I do mean it. I…"_

_Roger's fist in his nose cut off his words. Roger collapsed back onto his bed, breathing heavy. Mark scrambled up from the floor, covering his bloody nose with his hand as he left Roger's bedroom._

After Mark's confession, he had tried to patch things up with Maureen. She stopped cheating – for a little while. They had stayed together for almost another year. They had split up a few weeks ago, and this time it was Roger's turn to hold Mark while he cried. They hadn't really been the same since that confession. Now that Roger was back in his right mind, he knew that at the time, Mark had meant it. But at Roger's rejection, he just fell more in love with Maureen. Mark had forgotten about him, Roger was sure of it. They had moved on. Roger had his girlfriend and Mark had his work.

_What if you could change something? Would life be better?_

There was an address and instructions to go there at five o'clock. It was bizarre. Roger couldn't travel back in time and make his life better. He couldn't bring April back or make the HIV go away. He couldn't change Mark's feelings. He didn't want to lose his girlfriend and he couldn't miraculously heal Angel.

"Well, what is it?" Mark asked, dragging Roger back to reality.

"Oh it's… nothing." He pocketed the letter with the address and threw away the envelope. "Advertisement," he lied.

Mark nodded. "Mimi stopped by earlier. Said to tell you she's working late and she'll see you tomorrow morning."

Roger nodded and headed towards the bathroom for a shower.

* * *

At 4:30, Roger slipped out of the loft for a walk, making his way to the mystery address. He knocked on the door and was met by someone he didn't know.

"Well, well, well look what the cat dragged in," the mysterious figure smirked. "Come in."

Roger obeyed, stepping inside the dark house.

"So…" the voice began, "you can bring back your April, you can turn down your first hit, you can…"

"I know what I want to do."

* * *

Roger woke up in a bed that wasn't his with a headache worse than any hangover he had ever had. He realized he was still at the mysterious address in the letter. Seeing no one inside, he left and headed for the loft. He took the long way home, passing by the bank. The bank had a giant sign out front that flashed the time and date. Sure enough, the date was Saturday July 14, 1990, 9:23 am. It was the very next day.

Roger shook his head. It had been a waste. The mysterious letter was probably a hoax. He had no recollection of what happened the day before besides waking up, talking to Mark, and hearing about Mimi. Mimi was probably at the loft waiting for him. Picking up his pace, he wondered if maybe the letter wasn't a hoax. He wondered if he had made the right choice, or if he was just being selfish.

--

"Hey." Mark greeted from the couch when Roger went in. "Where have you been?"

"Went for a walk," Roger replied casually.

"Over night?" Mark stood up and began examining Roger.

"Sorry I didn't call," he replied, a little embarrassed. He didn't know how to explain what had happened, partly because it was so farfetched and partly because he himself didn't know what happened. "Do I look different or something?"

Mark shook his head. "No why?"

He shrugged. "Did Mimi come around yet?"

"Who?"

"Mimi, my…" He stopped. Mimi. If his change of past really had worked, then Mimi wouldn't… "Oh god Mark." He stumbled over to the couch and collapsed where Mark had been sitting.

Mark followed him nervously. "Rog, what's wrong?" He sat down beside him and placed his arm around Roger's shoulders comfortingly.

"What happened between us two years ago?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not," Roger replied honestly. "All I remember is getting a weird letter in the mail yesterday and I went for a walk and…"

"Roger, you didn't get any mail yesterday," Mark said. "We didn't get any mail at all."

"…we didn't?"

"No."

"Then what did we do?"

"Well, it was Friday the thirteenth," Mark began. "You were certain you were going to die or start doing drugs again or something crazy, so we just stayed in our room all day. Then around 4:30, you said you had to go to the bathroom. I heard the front door close and I haven't seen you since. Are you okay?"

_Our room? _"I don't know. So are we… together?"

Mark rolled his eyes and stood up. "Um, yeah we are. Did you forget and accidentally get a girlfriend? Is that who this Mimi is?"

"No, no Mark, I'm not cheating on you," he stood up and ran over to Mark, trying to hug him. "Well, if we're… then… wait, what about Maureen?"

"What about her? We broke up around this time two years ago, right after you said you loved me too. We saw her and her girlfriend a few days ago. You remember Joanne, right?"

Roger nodded. He knew who Joanne was. Everything seemed to be the same except for his relationship with Mark. Maybe it wasn't selfish after all. "The girl that lives downstairs, is she…"

"She died, Roger," Mark said. Mark didn't know her well, but he knew she had been dead since last Christmas Eve, when Collins told him that _"Benny found his mistress dead with a needle in her hand."_

"She _died_?" Roger's eyes widened. "What happened to her?" His hands were now roughly gripping Mark's shoulders.

"She… she had AIDS, Roger," Mark explained. "I didn't want to tell you because I know how you get…"

"Right." Roger knew Mimi was already positive when they met, but he didn't think that being in her life would have kept her alive longer. Maybe going to that place was selfish. He didn't get his old life back. He was still sick; he was going to die and leave Mark alone in a few years anyway. To make matters worse, he had taken away the little remaining life Mimi had. He walked over the couch and sat down again, burying his face in his hands.

"What?"

"I'm just a selfish bastard," he said, looking up.

Mark looked at him sympathetically. He walked over and gently sat on Roger's lap, wrapping his arms around Roger, pulling him close. "Shh, it's okay."

"No it's not okay," he cried into Mark's t-shirt. "I killed her too soon, it's all my fault."

"Roger, you didn't even know her," Mark soothed.

"I'm still a selfish bastard," Roger sobbed.

"I still love you, Roger," Mark said, placing a soft kiss on Roger's forehead, "no matter how selfish you think you are."

"Really?" Roger looked up, a glint of hope flickering in his emerald eyes. "Even after all the bruises and beatings and…"

"You could put me in a full body cast and I'd still love you," he said. "And I don't think you're sel—"

Roger quieted him with a kiss. "I love you, you know that, right?" _That's why I did this,_ Roger told himself, _because I love him._

Mark nodded, snuggling closer to Roger. "I know."

Roger tightened his grip on Mark's body, holding him as close as he could. He didn't remember much about the last two years and he didn't know what the future had in store for him. He knew he had messed up a lot in his past. He knew he made mistakes. He knew he had lost a lot based on his choices. He knew he was sick because of his choices. But Roger also knew he was loved because of his choices. And in Roger's uncertain future, he knew that being loved by Mark was all that mattered.

-fin


End file.
